Last month I got a letter from my landlord – one of these big impersonal companies that has many apartment complexes. For all I know, the person who owns it all might not even be from Texas, or the U.S.
In the letter, it said that I can choose my rent price.
The problem? All their options were at least $50 per month more than what I was currently paying.
Fear struck.
Fear? Why now? I’ve moved eight times since 2008. Multiple states, and at least 3 countries. Why would I be scared of a simple move now?
In the middle of my freaking out, I took this opportunity to apply what was written in this previous post.
Get more information to understand the problem –
– and get moving.
Austin is a bubble of craziness in America. It’s one of the few real estate markets in the U.S. that continues to ignore the Wall Street Journal and MSNBC – the housing market keeps going up, up, up. Even after the recession, Austin’s population grows faster than contractors can build. How was I going to keep prices low, and have a story completely different than the one being told for me?
With my delivery job, I had visited nearly every apartment complex in a 5 mile radius – many times. Combine that with my past experience being a Realtor, and my business education, and I was someone who could actually do something. Maybe it wouldn’t be much, but it might be enough.
I visited several apartment complexes and got quotes. Most of them were higher than what I was paying. Then I found two – both were closer to town.
One was over 100 sq feet less than what I currently had.
The other? superior in every way. I got on the waiting list for this one and then attempted to renegotiate with my landlord.
The landlord had an assistant who had zero business experience. You could see it in the way he carried himself. He was four to five rungs down in this big, plastic ladder.
I remembered the whole time to keep my cool, be polite, avoid ultimatums. I even offered to pay multiple months of rent in advance as leverage.
He pulled market pricing excuses (which were hard to cross reference, where did he get this info?) then looked at this big 3-ring binder filled with Excel spreadsheets. Then he countered to raise my rent a hundred dollars higher than the increased price their letter started with.
Bad negotiating.
You could say I ‘lost’. Sometimes a system is structured so you end up ‘negotiating’ with someone who doesn’t have the ‘authority’ to do anything. So many people are ‘just doing their job’ in a compartmentalized existence for faceless brand symbols pursuing false idols, leaving real human beings exposed to the damage left behind…but I digress.
By getting on a waiting list earlier, and not waiting until the last minute – I had options baby!
I signed a lease yesterday with one that will actually cost around 40 dollars LESS per month than what I’m already paying. It’s closer to town, is in a gated community, and has larger square footage. Combine that with the 50$ price increase I would have paid, I saved around 800$, including moving expenses.
Lucky? Maybe. But if I hadn’t reached out for more information, and if I hadn’t continued to take small steps forward, no amount of luck in the world would have made a difference.
So I lost the negotiation, but beat the victim mentality and got what I wanted. A way to keep costs down and continue to build momentum in a place I enjoy living.
Have you had any victories against the victim mentality? I’d love to know. I’d even feature you in a blog post if your story is (A: true) and (B: awesome). Until then, leave a synopsis of what happened in the comments…
Negative Emotions Can Make You Very Creative, But…
I’m only happen when it rains. – Garbage (the band)
Rain Texture by ShadowRave at sxc.hu
Negative emotions can be a great source of inspiration. The very first written stories in Greek plays were classified as Comedies and Tragedies. A famous example is when a man becomes king only later to realize that he had killed his own father and married his mother in the process (Oedipus Rex).
For all the good news that is in the Bible, there are also quite a few stories that end in tragedy, like the relationship between John the Baptist and Herod.
Clearly, negative emotions can be a great source of creativity.
Tragedies let us know not to go down a wrong path. They highlight the dangers of a ineffective mindset.
There is a difference, however, between negative emotions and the victim mentality.
It starts with the difference between thinking and dwelling. Thinking is productive – we can create when we are thinking. After the grieving process, we can illustrate how terrible events can benefit our future actions and thoughts.
Dwelling, on the other hand, gets you nowhere. When we start to dwell on negativity, it is easy to move into a victim place. When that happens, our creativity suffers.
The Benefits of A Victim Mentality
What does the victim mentality do? It makes you the center of the universe – a universe you don’t even want to be in.
It takes a great level of intelligence to maintain a thinking process as stupid as this. Because it is such a great undertaking, we take pride in it. It highlights our intellect. Too bad it also highlights our lack of wisdom.
For all our twisting, wringing, stretching, and stuffing, we only contort ourselves.
If you are the center of your universe, it is difficult to write from the perspective of a different person. It is nearly impossible to keep in mind how somebody else will consider your work.
It is seductive. Why? Because we not only make ourselves the center of the universe – we also twist everything around us to show how unrelated events are a direct attack on ourselves.
To preserve our sense of self, we may even stop creating anything meaningful because ‘nobody will care or understand it’.
Creatives Have MAJOR Problems With This
If your job is to create things, and you only succeed when you are brilliant, you are going to face a lot of rejection. Most of it will sound like “Sorry, but this isn’t for us.” OR “Give me a business card and we’ll stay in touch.”
Other times it will be much harsher. Something you thought was smart didn’t connect, and people will tell you so.
It will even be cruel! Critics only get attention when they say controversial things, so you will often hear a critic say something disparaging about you just to get eyeballs, or say you’re old news just because they want to look cool in front of their hipster friends.
So there is this desire for self-preservation – to not do anything that rocks the boat.
Yet most of the rewards go to the risk takers, and most of the people brave or stupid enough to take the plunge won’t get the results they desire the first time, the second time, or even the tenth.
You will not take risks if you are in the victim mentality. As a result, victim thinking gets you nowhere as a creative.
This may be obvious on the surface, but if it cuts your time dwelling in the victim space by even 10%, you’re life will be changed.
Maybe it’s time to get into a different universe.
Has victim thinking ever held you back from doing what you know you need to do? Let me know in the comments below!
Have you ever caught yourself believing in an idea about yourself that wasn’t true?
Usually this happens right after you’ve suffered from the results of that lie:
Low self esteem
Feelings of being trapped
Seeing yourself as invulnerable to temptation, greed, or deception, etc.
The loss of a key relationship, job, friendship, opportunity
After several days/weeks/months of slogging through emotional mud, we gain enough distance to see that – yep, we’ve been duped. Sold a bill of bad goods. Pulled the itchy wool over our own eyes.
And in hindsight, this didn’t need to happen. But then it happens again, and again, and again. Our brain is the Energizer Bunny of lies.
Why does this happen? How can we change our beliefs and be stronger people?
In this post, we’ll explore the topic together.
—
A Christian Author’s Guide to Telling a Lie
How to tell a lie and get away with it?
By believing it yourself.
1. You take an event, and give it meaning.
For the first 16-26 years of our lives, other people gave meaning to our events for us. Teachers tell us whether we’re smart or hard working based on whether we did our homework, or what grade we got. Parents discipline us based on how bad they believe we screwed up, or even how they feel about life at that moment.
“As soon as you’re born, they make you feel small.” – John Lennon
Back then, you didn’t have the tools, skills, or awareness to separate truth from falsehood. None of us did. Is it fair that these scripted moments serve as the foundation for our self esteem? No.
Don’t use this as an excuse to stay where you are. Instead, take this chance to remove any self-loathing you may have about being deceived.
2. Then, we find events and line them up with the story we already believe.
I don’t love watching the news. Instead, I love is watching other people watch the news. It’s more entertaining, and often more informative.
Why? Wolf Blitzer, Rachel Maddow, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck – familiar names if you live in the U.S. – they deliver information and build their audience based on what a lot of people already believe, or want to believe. Their reporting is fused with predetermined context, and people keep watching because they experience a wide range of emotions all relating to – and challenging – their own belief systems.
the white house by emitea at sxc.hu
What is ‘America’?
What does it mean to have ‘good values’?
‘Who’ is ‘trying to destroy’ the country?
What ‘realistic answers’ can be offered to ‘improve our national situation’?
Each of these carry their own meanings to different people. When we see a barrage of events, one after another – we line them up according to our confirmation biases.
Confirmation bias – a process where we search for and interpret information that confirms what we already believe. Here is an article on science daily if you want more info about it.
Take an event, like a solar eclipse. Australians are lucky because today they can see one. Here’s an extreme example of solar eclipses that has been used in nearly every medieval time travel film: “If you kill me, I will blot out the sun with my great powers! [cue solar eclipse, the villagers free the hero] Okay, I will return to you the sun!”
This gambit worked because people back then had strong beliefs about solar eclipses being tied to magic, curses, etc. The Aztecs believed that they needed to make human sacrifices during an eclipse or else their god would remove the sun forever. Yikes!
So let’s bring the confirmation bias down to your day-to-day reality:
You may believe you have no value as a human being, as a character does in my book. If you do, when something happens that is neither good or bad – you will take that event and use your confirmation bias to strengthen the idea that you have no value.
Too many red-lights at intersections on your way to the store. Why does this always happen when I’m in a hurry?
Your teenage son wants to spend time out with friends rather than stay home on the weekend. Not even my own son cares about me!
Someone tells you that they fell asleep during your presentation. I’m a terrible speaker. Or, I’m wasting my time talking to these ingrates!
If something fantastic happens, you won’t cherish and enjoy it.
Instead:
you’ll brace for impact, because this relationship was too good to last anyway.
hedge your bets, because you’re bad at selling and need something more concrete.
You’ll stay emotionally detached, so you won’t risk rejection or failure.
Or you may even resent a challenge to your belief system. How dare someone actually want to help me? What did I do for them? They just want to use me later!
3. Until finally, You actually believe the lie.
Then it’s easy to tell a lie to yourself. That’s right, the best way to tell a lie is to actually believe it – 100%.
Of course, if it’s a lie, then we’re deceiving ourselves, and we never really ‘get away’ with it.
With that in mind, how many lies to we all tell, without even knowing it?!
Stepping Stones to Truth
stepping stones by dunkst3r on sxc.hu
First of all, recognize that for much of your life, you didn’t have the awareness or skills needed to know this information. Most of the lies are not your fault.
They are IN you, but they AREN’T you.
Now you can do something about it. In my third book (affiliate link), life coach Brian Shaul and I devote an entire section to changing your thought patterns. I recommend you check it out. Until then, here’s something you can use to get started.
Pay attention to your thoughts. If you can, write them down. A good question to ask in any situation where you feel nervous, weak, or scared is: why do you feel scared?
When your brain gives you reasons, write those down too.
Are those legitimate reasons? Not an easy question to answer. Here are some questions that may spark some insight into this:
Who told you this reason first?
What event did they use to build on that story?
Did this person have anything to gain by telling you this?
Were they relying on you for things they shouldn’t have?
Were they denying their own ability to be responsible for their emotions and actions?
Did this interpretation or story help you? Maybe it did for a time, but that time has passed and it’s time for change.
If that story didn’t help you, write down a different meaning to the story based upon what you now know.
Start telling yourself the new story. Here’s the fun part. The next time you’re in the emotional throes of a life event, you’ll snap out of it and realize: this is an opportunity to shape your belief systems.
But how do you know whether something is true?
Too big an answer for just this blog post. The short version for me is in John 8:32
‘the truth will set you free’
Lies are designed to trap you – to give control of your life over to something else that’s not worth even touching. If you come out of this exercise with your brain being filled with ideas of what you can do to improve your situation, have better relationships, less fear, and greater love, then you’re on the right path.
Will I ever be done with this?
This is a lifelong quest. If you aren’t dead, then you’re not done. We are never 100% in truth – all we can do is live our lives in closer to truth than we had the day before. Do that enough times, and things will get better.
The best strategy of all: If you want to get out of a lie, find ways to get feedback from other people. The best feedback will come from trustworthy people who don’t have anything to gain or lose by reinforcing a false belief. Accountability will sting sometimes, but that small sting is nothing compared to a lifetime of being trapped.
You don’t need a car from the 80’s to make your future a better place. The toughest, coolest people on earth can do it by asking a few simple questions. Get ready, you’re about to go on a small journey back in time.
In this journey you will visit three places. Each place corresponds to one of the three worst experiences of your life.
Where did you go?
What are the 3 worst times of your life?
Can you answer for yourself what happened, how you felt, and how it affected you?
Now stop. Rather than going on an emotional spin-cycle, ask yourself a different question: With each event, what positive things did you learn from the experience, and how did it cause you to grow?
Don’t expect a simple answer right away.
You’re quick answer will likely be similar to mine. “It sucked. I didn’t learn anything. And I’d never want to go through anything like that again. That answer is not wrong. The experience was terrible, and you wouldn’t want to go through it again (at least I hope not!).
Bad experiences are not worth repeating.
Still, ask yourself what you learned from each experience. Do it out loud. And listen to the kinds of answers you come up with.
This process may take several days. Write those answers down, remember them, and you’ll now have something positive even out of the worst moments of your life.
Example: I had to take care of my mom when she had Lou Gehrig’s Disease. She loved me, but she was far from perfect. It can be difficult to see what positive things can be gained from that kind of experience.
The answers I got? Good times and bad times are like chapters. No matter how long they may seem to stretch, they do end. Then another chapter begins.
here’s another one: Find the most good you can do in that one day, and do it – knowing that once the sun sets, that day will never come back.
Those sound like the exact opposite of a victim mentality.
Bad things will still happen. It will still suck. It’s part of being alive.
But if you do this exercise, you’ll take a moment to frame your experience in a productive way.
And, ironically, you will be less likely to repeat those mistakes. You’ll have a better future, but without asking where you’d be if you didn’t do this exercise, you’d never know.
“I used to think I was a victim of my story until I realized the truth that I am the creator of my story. I choose what type of person I will be and what type of impact I will leave on others.” – Steve Maraboli, Behavioral Scientist at Michael Thomas Research Center for Social & Behavioral Science, New York.
photo courtesy of yohanl on sxc.hu
Do a lot of bad things happen to you? Have you ever thought about searching for a solution to something that has kept you trapped for years, and thought, why bother?
Everyone has moments like this.
Some of us are in in debt, with little hope of recovery.
More still have lost their faith that they can find a job that meets the needs of themselves and their families.
Worse still, there are those who can identify people by how this mentality rules their lives – who take advantage of it to control people. By making people more dependent, it is possible to make them slaves.
In this post, I am going to interview someone who got out of that mentality. He is the main character of an upcoming book, and is a great case study of how the victim mentality can sneak up on anyone.
He doesn’t want anyone to be a slave of the victim mentality, and neither do I. So I dragged him up out of my head for an interview, and because this happened after the book is over, he doesn’t feel too bad about it.
Enter Jordan.
_____
David: What is the victim mentality?
Jordan: Doctors say it’s where people learn to think of themselves as victims of the actions of others. Eventually, it becomes a personality trait. In my case, I would think, speak, and act as if I were the victim. Sometimes I may have a logical reason, and other times I may have simply said something is wrong with my fate, or that God just doesn’t like me –
David: Just a minute, friend. My itunes keeps opening on me when I’m trying to write this post. No, for the fifth time, I don’t want to listen to Bon Jovi’s You Give Love a Bad Name. Stop playing it!
Jordan: Don’t worry, I’ll take over for you. Basically, you learn it as a child. If you don’t recognize it and take steps to reframe how you see your life, you will always be reacting. Every thing that people do around you will bother you. It’s like your whole body is covered in bruises, and anything another person does feels like a bad masseuse forcing themselves on you.
David: That’s an oddly specific metaphor. Does that come from personal exp– No, iTunes, why must you do this to me?!
Jordan: I had help from close friends who put up with my instability long enough to help me reframe moments of my childhood. When I learned that many of my bad times either weren’t my fault, or that I could reframe those memories so I didn’t see myself as a victim, I became healthier.
<Shot to the heart, and you’re to blame…>
David: Stop ignoring me, Jordan! Give an example or something. Most of our audience aren’t heirs to a billion dollar fortune. Why would a victim mentality stop someone like you?
Jordan: In my case, I was once fired from my own father’s company. It wasn’t even my brother, or dad who did it. An HR manager called me into an office, closed the door, and said I wasn’t a good fit. It reminded me of my mom, who seemed to view me as a nuisance, or when my friends betrayed me in high school. You see how a victim mentality is built over how you see a whole number of experiences?
Then, there’s society at large contributing to the victim mentality – teaching whole generations to be dependent on those who don’t have their best interests in mind. Most love songs that are popular these days, especially breakup songs, reinforce the victim mentality. Most TV shows and Films have characters in extreme conflict. Sometimes this conflict has to be created by manufacturing a victim mentality in the characters. This isn’t going to change, but it would be great if the media that’s put our there can better show the negative consequences of acting out of that mentality.
David: Let’s stay on topic. Have you forgotten that I created you?
David: You’ll need to do better than that…just a moment. iTunes again.
Jordan: And David’s right about the victim mentality. One of the best ways to monitor where you are on the victim mentality is to ask yourself if you are taking responsibility for every aspect of your life. If you find you aren’t, you aren’t alone. Consider these quotes:
If you are taught bitterness and anger, then you will believe you are a victim. You will feel aggrieved and the twin brother of aggrievement is entitlement. So now you think you are owed something and you don’t have to work for it and now you’re on a really bad road to nowhere because there are people who will play to that sense of victimhood, aggrievement and entitlement, and you still won’t have a job.” – Condoleeza Rice, Former U.S. Secretary of State.
David: Now you’re imposing your political views on us, stop it!
Jordan: Is it possible you still have some work to do on the victim mentality? Anyway, the victim mentality is a very politically charged arena. Search for the victim mentality, and you’ll see Democrats, Republicans, Tea Partiers, Race Politics, and many other issues mixed in. It’s good that this debate is happening, because we now know what the victim mentality can do if used or abused by different groups of people. Consider this quote:
And all the congregation lifted up their voice, and cried; and the people wept that night. And all the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron: and the whole congregation said unto them, Would God that we had died in the land of Egypt! or would God we had died in this wilderness! And wherefore hath the LORD brought us unto this land, to fall by the sword, that our wives and our children should be a prey? were it not better for us to return into Egypt? And they said one to another, Let us make a captain, and let us return into Egypt. – Numbers 14: 1-4 KJV
In this example. We see what it looks like when a group of people have been conditioned to be dependent for four hundred years. Now the deliverer they’ve been promised is leading them to freedom, but the road is difficult. What do they do? Let’s get a leader [to take responsibility for us] and go back to Egypt [where they were slaves].
You see, the victim mentality is a fight for your own freedom. Since I’m in a sci-fi book, the plot will eventually come down to freedom or slavery, as most sci-fi plots do. So, to will your own journey.
David: …Thanks for coming in. I also saw some more interesting writing on the victim mentality over at write change grow. I urge anyone interested in this subject to dig deeper.
Jordan: Just let me know in advance before you bring me in next time, okay?
1. The day is almost over and you’ve accomplished nothing.
2. You’re angry.
When you get angry, it may give you a short burst of energy. Showing anger may feel like an expression of masculinity, but it only reveals how easy it is to hurt your feelings.
In fact, it’s worse than steroids; steroids may shrink your balls, but at least you’re still wearing pants.
From about age 6-19, I was addicted to the burst of energy i’d get by being angry. I’m 25 now, so after 6 years of trying to find better, more productive mental states, I still find anger sneaking up on me.
Moving to Austin was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve had to make, and it was one built on a lot of truth. It was also based on a lot of confirmation bias and hype. Someone said there were jobs here, and apparently let the word out to everyone in the country.
It’s not like I don’t have a job. Technically, I have two. But the reality is that right now I live very solidly in the “I’m, but” demographic Jon Acuff talks about in Quitter.
I want to be a lawyer, but I deliver pizzas.
I’m a production assistant, but what i’d really like to do is direct.
I’m a temp data entry worker, but I’d like to start my own business.
You’ve heard these things before. In fact, you may have said similar things 10+ times in the last week.
Maybe you don’t even know what you want to do – but it’s not what you’re doing now.
In any case, it’s easy to get distracted by thinking everyone’s stupid, or how nobody’s giving you a chance, or that God – that universal-vending-machine-in-the-sky, isn’t giving you a solid answer no matter how many times you ask.
Note: God is not a vending machine, but we act like He’s supposed to be when we’re in the victim mentality.
It’s one of the reasons I’m writing this upcoming book. A victim mentality can cripple anyone, regardless of how much potential is inside each of us.
This idea has been so important for me to learn, that it may help anyone else struggling with this mentality, so I’m writing it as a book first.
Get out of this mentality, and you can be creative.
You can enjoy relationships based on who people truly are, not by how much they can further your interests.
You can treat life for the enjoyable journey it was meant to be.
I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. – Ecclesiastes 3:12 NIV
What do you do to get yourself out of the victim mentality?
